Comfort
Xander watched as Dawn left the library. She was something, he thought as he stood and stretched. She didn’t look bad walking away in a pair of blue jeans, either. He sighed as the thought jumped unbidden into his head. He walked over to the windows as he thought about Dawn in her jeans. “Uh . . . why’s there a taxi in the driveway?” he asked.
Buffy looked up from the book she was studying. “Oh. Faith and Kennedy are leaving today.”
“Does Will know?”
“Probably not. Faith told me this morning before I came into the kitchen.”
“Okay. Well, she knows now,” he said as he watched Willow walk past the taxi and into the house. “I think I’m gonna stretch my legs. Maybe take a stroll upstairs.”
“Real subtle, Xand,” Buffy said, smiling. “Bring her back here when you can so we can compare notes.”
“Okay,” he said, heading out of the library in search of Willow. He wondered why Buffy hadn’t mentioned Kennedy and Faith’s sudden departure this morning but decided it was probably because of everything else they had going on. He saw Kennedy come into the house calling for Willow so he sat in a chair by the library doors to give them some privacy. He smiled at Dawn as she walked past him back into the library. She gave him the cold shoulder, letting him know he was still in the doghouse with her. He shook his head. He was in love with her and he damn well knew it. What he was going to do about it was the sixty-four thousand dollar question. He thought about Willow and Tara. A love that could transcend time, death and possibly even dimensions as Dawn had suggested? He wanted that.
He let himself get lost in the fantasy of a future with Dawn. Living and working side-by-side. Curling up next to her every night, as he’d dreamt of doing for weeks now. What was that movie? That chick flick Dawn had made him sit through last month . . . with Meg Ryan in the restaurant . . . Harry and Sally something. The guy says something about . . . he loves that after spending the day with her he can still smell her on his sweater. He loves that she’s the last person he wants to talk to at the end of the day. Dawn was that girl for him. He loved the way her hair smelled, loved that she was the last person he wanted to talk to every night. He wanted to fall asleep talking to her and wake up next to her so she was the first thing he saw every morning. She made everyday brighter. He imagined growing old with her, having children and bouncing grandkids on his knee. ‘She’s right,’ he thought, ‘six years isn’t a big difference. She’s been through most of the hells I’ve been through - most of them right next to me. Maybe she does know what she wants, maybe she’s right. Maybe, just maybe, this is possible.’
They were already in sync. They each knew what the other was thinking, they finished each other’s sentences. He was definitely in the whole when-she-hurts-I-hurt-space and he knew she was hurting. It was his fault. It wasn’t right, it couldn’t possibly work but . . . what if. He thought about Willow. What would she risk for another day with Tara? Wasn’t Dawn - the possibility of what they could be - worth risking . . . what? What exactly would he be risking? Buffy, Willow, Scooby Central? ‘What is the absolute worst thing that could happen?’ he asked himself.
He sighed, pulled from his reverie by the sound of Kennedy coming down the stairs. He could see the pain written all over her face and she didn’t even notice him sitting there. He headed upstairs but found Willow’s room empty. Leaving the room, Xander headed back down the hall and found her on the landing overlooking the driveway. He knew Will so well. He could tell by her posture that she was trying not to break down. Walking up behind her, he encircled her waist with his arms, giving her silent permission to let go. It was what she seemed to be waiting for because she turned and buried her face in his chest, crying uncontrollably. She was too thin, even for her. Buffy was probably right; Willow hadn’t been eating. He held onto his best friend as she cried, crooning nonsense words and gently rubbing his hand over her back. He was worried about her. She wasn’t sleeping, wasn’t eating - the nightmares were completely stressing her out. He didn’t know what to do for her, he just knew he wanted to make it all better. He also knew he couldn’t. All he could do was be there when she needed him, as he’d always been. As he always planned and hoped to be. They’d literally been through hell together. Would she really turn her back on him for falling in love with Dawn? After everything they’d done and been through together, he didn’t really believe that he’d be risking that much. Still . . .
His train of thought derailed as Willow pulled back from him. Tears still streamed down her face but her sobs had slowed.
“Thanks, Xander,” she sniffled as he took her hand and led her to one of the over-stuffed couches.
As he watched her curl up in the corner of the couch, he thought again how small and thin she looked. Her face was paler than usual and there were dark circles under her eyes.
“Saw the car. Thought maybe a friend.” He watched as Willow struggled to regain control. The tears had stopped and she was sniffling and hiccuping.
“Thanks. I know it was the right thing to do. I know it’s for the best. It still hurts. I’m sorry I hurt her.”
“Will, give yourself a break. You didn’t set out to hurt her.” He sighed. He hated watching her beat herself up.
Willow dried her eyes and took a deep breath. “You’re right. It was what it was,” she said. “It was nice. But Kennedy was right. Love, comfort, mutual pleasure . . . all good. But I couldn’t give her what she wanted. My heart and soul are – have always been - Tara’s.” She sighed.
They sat in silence for a few moments. He was back in lost–in-thought-land of what if with Dawn when Willow broke in. “Oh . . . did you find anything in the library? Terese gave me a Goddess to pray to. Mati-Syra-Zemlya. She hears oaths and helps people keep their promises.”
He was happy to let the Kennedy sitch drop if that’s what Will wanted. “Coolness. Dawn found a little more on Iris and Juno. She came up with an interesting theory. You ready to head down and see if they’ve found anything else?”
“Yeah.” She said as she stood up. They walked downstairs but Willow hesitated at the library. “Do I look okay?”
He smiled and kissed her forehead. “You look fine. We’re your friends. We know what you’re going through.”
She smiled at him as they walked into the library.