Xander’s Dilemma
“I don’t care,” Dawn insisted for what seemed like the hundredth time. “I don’t care about the age difference or your missing eye. I don’t care what Buffy or Willow or Giles or anyone else would say. I love you. And don’t tell me you don’t love me. Because I know you do.”
Xander sighed and looked beyond Dawn at the horizon. This was Willow’s favorite spot. She came here to think because she said it helped her clear the fuzzies. Xander was feeling anything but clear but he had to admit the view from the hill was nice. “Dawnie . . .” he started but didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t believe he had fallen in love with his best friend’s little sister. But he had. Over the past eight months, he and Dawn had spent a lot of time together. She was amazing. He had always thought so but when she and Buffy came back from Italy, she was . . . different. She was no longer just Buffy’s kid sister. She was a confident, beautiful young woman. And he was a not-quite-middle-aged-but-kind-of-felt-like-it guy with one eye and a few too many nightmares. He sighed and raked his fingers through his hair.
Dawn interrupted him, “I’m eighteen. I’m old enough to make my own decisions about who and what I want.”
“Dawn, you don’t know what you know . . .” he felt as frustrated as she looked. What was he doing and how the hell had he gotten here? He found himself wishing they were still in Sunnydale so he could find a vampire or a demon or something to vent his frustrations on.
“Yes. I do. We’ve spent all this time together and I only want to be with you more. Xander . . .”
His resolve began to crumble as Dawn looked at him, almost pleadingly. ‘I couldn’t get that lucky. She’s not a demon or an ex-demon. Although she was . . . is? . . . the key,’ he thought to himself before saying, “It’s a crush, that’s all. Because of all the time we’ve spent together. It’s not love Dawn,” he said, more firmly than he felt. How could he hope to convince her when he couldn't even convince himself?
“No,” she said firmly. “I had a crush on you as a kid. I got over it when Spike started hanging around and I thought he was cool because he didn’t treat me like a kid even when I was one. But I’m not a kid anymore,” she had started to shout and her face was flushed. He shook his head as she took several deep breaths then continued, “ I know this is real. You can’t deny it. I know you love me . . . that you’re in love with me. We’ve talked for hours. I know how you think. We’ve laughed, and talked, and watched movies, and gone over blueprints. There’s very little we haven’t shared or talked about. Up to and including the fact that I lost my virginity to Luca Bordinero in Venice and how you did it with Faith. Of all people, ” Dawn rolled her eyes and looked at him with the 'what-were-you-thinking' look he was getting to know all too well. “ You’ve become my best friend. And when I kissed you last night . . . youkissedmeback,” she said in a rush.
“And I shouldn’t have, Dawn. I don’t know how it happened, how I let it go so far . . .” he blushed at the memory. He couldn't believe he had kissed her. Okay, she'd initiated it but he hadn't exactly pushed her away; hadn't wanted to push her away.
She looked at him, exasperated. “Xander, there were two of us there, not just you. Besides, it isn’t like we wound up in bed. It was a kiss. A kiss shared by two people who love each other.”
Shaking his head to clear away the image of Dawn, naked, in his bed he protested, “But you’re my best friend’s kid sister . . .” he raked his hand through his hair again. Why was this guy/girl thing so damn complicated?
“I AM NOT a kid,” she shouted at him, jaw firmly set, eyes blazing.
Xander sighed. “No, you’re not. But you are still Buffy’s little sister. And yes, you’ve become one of my best friends, too. You’re beautiful, you’re smart . . . God are you smart. You’re funny and sweet and kind and a hundred other things,” Xander said. He was getting more frustrated by the minute. He loved her. And he felt like jerk. “There is a six year age difference . . .”
“I told you I don’t care about that,” Dawn interjected.
“And in six years maybe that doesn’t matter,” he said, continuing as if she hadn‘t spoken, “but Dawnie, you still have a lot of life to experience. I don’t want to hold you back from that. School, travel, career,” he hated to say it, but did anyway, “dating a bunch of guys so you can figure out what you like in a guy. There’s so much you could and should do.”
But I want to do it all with you,” she said softly.
He looked at her and felt his heart ache as he took her hands in his and answered her just as softly. “Dawn, honey, I’m settled here. This is where my life is. Here. At Scooby Central with Willow and Buffy and Giles.” Xander stopped. There was nothing more he could say. Dawn deserved more than . . . what was that song? Something about being too young to feel this damn old. He sighed. She deserved better than this.
Dawn looked over his shoulder, then back at him. “Buffy is headed this way but believe me . . . this conversation is not over,” she said before stalking off toward Scooby Central.
Xander watched Dawn walk away and tried to stop himself from thinking about how great she looked in her jeans. He shook his head, not missing Buffy’s puzzled expression as her sister strode by without a word. ‘What is it with me and the Summers women? Thank God there were only three of them,’ he thought. He made a mental note to talk to his guys about catching the stray cat that had just darted past Dawn. Damn thing had been all over the place and he was afraid it would get hurt or cause someone else to get hurt.
“What’s the what?” Buffy asked as she reached him.
He so did not want to talk to her about Dawn. He shrugged, “Nothing. Just a difference of opinion. You talk to Willow?” he asked, not so smoothly changing the subject.
“Yeah. She’s totally freaked,” Buffy said and started to relate her conversation with Willow to him. Xander’s mind drifted, wondering what he was going to do about Dawn and worrying about her persistence. Would he be able to stay strong and resist her? What would Buffy say? What would Willow think? ‘I know I shouldn’t care what anyone else thinks but . . .’ he thought as he sighed deeply.
“Xander, are you even listening?” Buffy asked, pushing at his shoulder.
“Huh? Oh. Sorry, Buff, mind wanderings,” he said, shuffling his feet as he averted his eyes from Buffy’s gaze.
“Okay. What gives? Will’s in trouble, could be serious, and you’re on planet Xander. I thought we had an agreement . . . only one of the three of us could meltdown at any one time. I can’t handle two meltdowns by myself. So, what’s going on?”
“It’s nothing Buffy. Really. Nothing major,” ‘and nothing I want to talk about with you,’ he added silently to himself. “Just some stuff on my mind, not really meltdown material. Honest,” he insisted. He could tell she wasn’t buying it but she seemed to decide it wasn’t worth pursuing.
“Fine. I’ll let it go. For now,” she said, emphasizing the 'for now' with a pointed look.
“Good. So what are we going to do about Willow?” Relieved that Buffy let it go, Xander made a conscious effort to relegate the Dawn dilemma to the back of his mind. He really didn't want to do the whole 'talk to the big sister' deal with Buff. He forced himself to focus on what Buffy was saying about Willow.
“So we just wait and see? And we’re sure this has nothing to do with her and Kennedy splitting?” he asked. Will and Kennedy's end wasn't a surprise. They'd never really made the kind of sense that Tara and Willow had. Will and Tara had seemed to fit. Kennedy and Will . . . Xander shook his head as the phrase 'my girlfriend has a tongue ring' took him to naughty places.
“Yep. We keep an eye on her. And yeah, she was pretty matter-of-fact about the whole breakup thing. The Taramares are causing her a major wiggins, though,” Buffy said, wrinkling her forehead in concern.
Xander nodded, “Okay. Well, we tag team with Willow duty , make sure one of us knows where she is until we get this figured out.”
Buffy nodded her head in agreement. “Okay. I’m gonna go find Giles and see what he has to say about all of this. And Xander,” she said slowly, “when you’re ready to tell me what’s going on with you and Dawn, let me know.” Buffy smiled and walked away, leaving Xander staring after her in disbelief.