Conversations with (formerly) Dead People
Angel rapped lightly on the connecting door as he stepped through into Willow and Buffy's room. He had to chuckle at the sight before him as he entered; Willow and Buffy were sitting at opposite ends of the couch, massaging each other's feet.
“If I'm interrupting, I can come back,” he said, a smile playing across his lips.
“No, no . . . no interruption. We were just . . . I mean . . . it's not what it looks like, I mean we're massaging each other's feet so it maybe it is what it looks like but it's not anything else to interrupt. . .” Willow began babbling before Buffy stopped her.
“Breathe, Willow. It's just a thing we do, no big,” she said looking at Angel.
Angel shrugged and said, “I just came over because you wanted to talk?”
Buffy nodded as Willow stood up and headed in the direction Angel had just come from. “I think I'll go talk to Tara since you two are in here and gonna talk and stuff.”
Angel smiled his thanks at Willow. “She's out on the balcony watching the sunset and staring at the stars. Good luck.”
Willow smiled and nodded as she slipped through the connecting doors, leaving Angel and Buffy alone.
Angel looked at Buffy, who sat up and motioned for him to join her on the couch. He sat away from her and hesitated, uncertain what to say.
“Buffy . . .” “Angel . . .”
They looked at each other and laughed. “You go first,” he said, smiling at her.
“I was just going to say how good it is to see you. It's been a long time.”
“Longer for me,” he said. “I've missed you, Buffy.” He shifted nervously in his seat. “I, uh, talked to Giles. He said if I wanted to come to England there was plenty of room and more than enough work to be done.” He looked directly at her and decided not to beat around the bush, the time for caution had passed and he just wanted her to know how he felt and he wanted to know what she felt, no matter the consequences.
Taking a deep breath, he plunged in, “However it happened, whatever it means, I'm human now and I want to be with you, Buffy. Wherever you are, that's where I want to call home. I don't know if there's any chance for us, or if you've got someone else or if you're ready, but when you are, if you ever are, I want to be there,” he took another deep breath and realized he probably hadn't said so many words all at once in . . . had he ever said that many words all at once? He looked up to see Buffy looking at him with a bemused smile on her face.
“I didn't know Willow's babbling was contagious,” she said, the smile becoming a grin.
He shook his head. “I didn't either. I didn't know I was capable of it.” He could feel a new sensation as his face got warm and he realized he was blushing, something he couldn't remember ever doing. How did she always make him feel like a teenager in love? He looked up at her again. This time her face was completely serious.
“I get what you're saying and I want you to come to England. But don't come for me. I can't promise you anything, Angel. Everything is so complicated right now. New slayers, new watchers, there's so much work to do.” She stood up and began to pace and he remembered the her from before had always needed to be in motion. She always said it helped her think better.
“I know I love you. Or, the you that used to be you.” She frowned in uncertainty then sighed. “Angel, the you that was here? He became a different guy, a guy I haven't seen in over a year.” She looked at him and he wondered where she was going with this.
“The you that you are? Is the you that you were before you became the you that was here.” She frowned again and he was wondering if she was as confused as he was.
She sighed and started again. “In your world, before you died, did you take over at Wolfram & Hart?”
He nodded. He'd done that to save Connor. No one but Tara knew that.
“Then what happened? You didn't get the amulet you brought me in this world, what happened after you went to work at Wolfram & Hart?”
“Nothing, I was only there,” he stopped to think about how long he'd been at the helm of Wolfram & Hart, “a week? Maybe two, before the First's uber-vamps showed up in L.A.. I'd done as you asked and created a second front, then I went to Sunnydale to find you. Or anyone who had survived. I found Tara. By the time she was well enough to travel, everyone I cared about in L.A. was gone.” Jasmine's birth had left Cordy in a coma, and the hospital had been the site of a massacre. He hadn't been able to find Fred or Wes and hoped they'd gotten out alive. He'd found Gunn's body in the parking structure of Wolfram & Hart. Lorne was nowhere to be found either. “I'm not sure I get where you're going with this, though,” he said, looking at her questioningly.
She looked at him as if wondering how much to tell him before sitting back down and looking him in the eyes. “You took over Wolfram & Hart and you changed, Angel. You became one of the people you always fought against. One of the people I always fought against. I couldn't, didn't, trust you anymore. Then, about a week after we got word that you were 'presumed dead', I got a letter from you telling me everything that had happened. About the Circle of Blackthorne and what you were going to do. It was delivered to me in Italy, the messenger said he'd had instructions to deliver if he hadn't heard from you by May 26th.” She paused and he tried to digest everything she was saying. He didn't change Wolfram & Hart, he changed into Wolfram & Hart. How had that happened?
“Buffy, I don't understand. When I took over at Wolfram & Hart, it was to change it from the inside. Make it better. What happened?” He was starting to feel like the rug had been pulled out from under him. “I didn't want to take over there, I . . .” he stopped. How could he tell her about Connor? About Cordy and Jasmine? “Buffy, what do you know about the year before I took over at Wolfram & Hart? You were getting ready to battle the First, I know that, but do you know anything about that year?”
“Some. I'm not sure I understand it all. It was a pretty intense letter,” she hesitated for a moment and he looked at her, reading the uncertainty in her eyes. Nodding as if she'd made up her mind she spoke softly when she said, “I know about Connor, Angel.”
He stared at her in disbelief. He'd never wanted anyone to know about Connor and he certainly hadn't wanted Buffy to find out in a letter. “Buffy,” he shook his head. He didn't know how to proceed, didn't know what to say.
She gently took his hands in hers. “I was wigged at first, but I understood why you didn't tell me. Does anyone know about him?”
“Tara. I was feeling sorry for myself one night and told her the story. He doesn't know me anymore, which is good, doesn't know anything at all about demons and hell dimensions and Gods and Goddesses. It needs to stay that way so he can just be a kid. I want to look in on him, but I don't want to disrupt his life.” His mind began racing. Who else knew? Was Connor in danger?
As if reading his mind she softly said, “He's fine, Angel. When I got your letter, I sent someone to watch over him, make sure he was safe and stayed that way. He remembers you, Angel. You didn't give me any details, just that something had happened and his memories were restored but that he'd been able to resume his 'normal' life, the reason you took over Wolfram & Hart.” She looked at him sympathetically. “How much of that happened in your reality?”
“I took over Wolfram & Hart because they offered me the chance to save Connor. The rest? I guess it never had time to happen. The First took over and nothing else mattered after that. It was just staying alive.” He was at a loss. He couldn't imagine what Buffy was telling him and there wasn't anyone left to ask. Except Connor. He shook his head. No, he wouldn't do that to Connor, wouldn't disrupt the boy's life.
“Angel?” Buffy's voice broke through his thoughts.
“Huh? Oh, sorry, Buffy. Lot to take in.” He couldn't even think straight.
“I'm sorry, Angel, but there's something else,” she looked sad and uncertain.
“What? What else is there?” He couldn't fathom that there was anything else.
“I didn't share everything that was in the letter with the others, but you said in order to take down the Circle of Blackthorne you had to 'sign away your right to shanshu' and I didn't know what that meant so I asked Giles about it. He tried to research it but couldn't find anything. Do you know what that means?”
“It's part of a prophecy. It means I won't become human,” he frowned in puzzlement. “But, I am human. I don't get it.”
“I get it even less than you do, we'll have to ask Giles or maybe Dawn can track something down about it. I have the letter, it's in England. I don't know why I didn't think to bring it,” she said. “To answer your other questions; yes, I would like it if you came to England but I can't make any promises about 'us'. I know we could use your help. There isn't anyone in my life. Well, except for Dawn, Xander, Willow and Giles – the people I trust and count on. I would like to add you to that list whether we become an 'us' again or not. Okay?”
He nodded, “I can definitely live with that.” He quirked his lips into that half smile that she’d said gave her tummy flutters. “I might push, just a little, though, if that’s okay?”
She just smiled mysteriously.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Willow knocked lightly before entering Tara's room, calling out for Tara as she walked through the door. The sight of Tara sitting out on the balcony in the waning sunlight caused her to stop and just gaze at the blonde. 'Goddess, she is still so beautiful,' Willow thought. Tara looked so calm and serene, Willow considered leaving without letting Tara know she was there. The thought that 'I can go hang out with Xander while Buffy and Angel are talking,' was quickly followed by, 'no, I need to talk to her. Now. Before we can have a hope of moving forward. If we can.' She sighed and gave herself a good talking to, 'Rosenberg, you need to have this conversation sooner rather than later. No matter how uncomfortable this may be, Tara deserves to know the truth before she makes any decisions about her future.'
Squaring her shoulders, she walked over to the glass doors leading out onto the balcony and tapped lightly on them, feeling guilty as Tara jumped and disturbed Miss Kitty. Guilty, that is, until Tara smiled and motioned for her to come outside.
“Big pineapple?” Willow asked, smiling as she stepped out into the cooling California night.
Tara ducked her head, answering, “Moose taking a sponge bath.”
Willow grinned and sat down next to Tara on the bench seat. “I just thought, you know, since Angel and Buffy are doing the talking thing, I'd, uh, you know, come over here and give them some privacy and maybe we could do the talking thing if you're not too tired. Are you tired? You're tired, of course you're tired, I'll go hang out with Xander,” she babbled , starting to stand up.
Tara gently placed a hand on Willow's arm and Willow felt the same tingles she'd always gotten whenever Tara had touched her. “Stay? Please? I-I'd like to talk. I'm tired, but not, you know?” she asked.
Willow nodded and sat back down, smiling softly at Tara. “Yeah, I know,” she said.
“It's just so strange being here,” Tara said. “I'm glad, I'm just having trouble wrapping my head around it. And there's so many decisions to make. It's making my head a little ready to explode. I'm not sure which thought to think first.”
Willow nodded her understanding. “Yeah, I know. It's been two years,” she hesitated a moment before looking up and meeting Tara's gaze. “I've missed you Tara,” she said, “I don't think I realized how much until I saw you.”
Tara nodded back and smiled shyly. “Yeah, I know. I mean, I knew I was missing you but seeing you in my meditations . . .” Tara trailed off as tears formed in her eyes, threatening to spill down her cheeks. She blinked several times to clear them before continuing. “I mean, I didn't know what to think, it was all so surreal. You were so real, I thought it was a hallucination or some demon or something.” Shaking her head, her voice dropped to a whisper, “Goddess, Will, I can't believe this is happening.”
Willow tentatively slipped her hand into Tara's and was relieved when Tara squeezed her hand lightly. “Yeah,” Willow whispered back, “I know.”
The two of them sat there in silence, holding hands, for several moments. 'This is so nice,' Willow thought, 'I need to do this now. I can't put this off, I have to tell her before we get in too deep . . . okay, so it's too late for me, I'm already in over my head but she's not. Is she?' she sighed.
“Willow?” Tara's blue eyes were full of concern.
Willow smiled reassuringly, for herself as much as for Tara. “Have you thought about what you want to do?” Willow asked, hoping that was the best way to get where she needed to go with the conversation.
“Some. I'm not sure what options I have. I mean, I know England is one choice,” her gaze once again sought out Willow's, this time her expression was inscrutable. “I'm not sure what other choices I have or even if I really have any others.”
Willow thought for a moment, trying to decide the best way to let Tara know she wanted Tara in her life, without putting any pressure on the blonde. “Tara, whatever you want, we can help. If you want to go to school or open an art gallery or a bookstore or any kind of store, we can help. We've got pretty much unlimited resources to help you start your new life.” Willow paused and took a deep breath. “I'd love it if you wanted to come to England. We could use your help, sure, but,” she hesitated, “but more importantly, I've missed you and would like you there with me.”
Tara nodded thoughtfully, her expression still unreadable. “Willow,” she started, “it's not that I don't want to be with you or that I want to be with you . . . I . . . we don't know each other anymore and . . .” she trailed off as though unable to find the right words.
'Now or never,' Willow thought. “Tara,” she said, letting go of Tara's hand and turning toward her on the bench to face her, “we've been apart for two years, living different lives and having different experiences. It'd be craziness to think we could just pick up where we left off – which, uh, needed work as it was,” the words were out of her mouth before she thought them through and she felt the blush that covered her face and ears start at her toes as she remembered just where they had left off. Clearing her throat, she started again, knowing that she was going to babble but unable to help herself. “You remember when we were, uh, separated? You said, ‘there’s so much to work through. Trust has to be built again, on both sides. You have to learn if you’re even the same people you were, if you can fit in each other’s lives. It’s a long, important process and can we skip it? Can you just be kissing me right now?’ I think . . . we can’t skip it this time. As much as I might like to do that. To just start kissing you, hold you and never let you go. I love you. In all our time apart, I never stopped. But there are some things, things you should know . . .” Willow trailed off, unsure of how to continue.
“Kennedy?” Tara smiled.
“How did you know?” Willow was surprised that Tara had guessed at one of the things that Willow wanted to talk to her about before they started the long process that would, hopefully, lead to reconciliation. ‘Kisses and gay love, would also not be a bad thing,’ she thought.
“My world…”
“Did you?” Willow thought how strange would that be? She and Tara both having been with Kennedy.
“No,” Tara shook her head, a slight smile playing at her lips. “I didn’t. I was lonely but that just wasn't a good enough reason.”
“What do you mean?” Willow was puzzled. Kennedy was nice and she was easy on the eyes. 'And persistent, don't forget persistent,' she thought. Willow knew without question that Kennedy would have made a play for Tara. She smiled inwardly. Of course she would have, Tara was beautiful and smart and funny and sweet.
“I didn’t want or need the distraction and lonely isn't a very good reason to start a relationship.”
“Oh. Okay,” Willow said, blushing again as she realized that's what she had done; used Kennedy as a distraction to ease her pain and loneliness. She nodded before continuing, “That’s only some of what you need to know. What do we do? Do we do anything? Can we?”
“I-I think we start as f-friends again. T-trying to b-be friends, that is. Th-there's so much to take in. Y-you’re doing majick again. The l-last t-time you did majick in m-my experience, you used it on me. I need t-time to adjust to that, time to t-trust that you won’t. You’re alive and that’s kind of a big change. I'm not hiding or living i-in fear. I t-took m-my first h-hot shower and had my first hot meal in over a year. Th-that’s a lot of ch-changes. W-we do need time to s-see i-if a-and h-how we fit in each other’s l-lives. I’m scared. B-but I know I-I m-missed you - every day. I know I want to try. I-I m-mean, if y-you d-do.”
Willow listened to what Tara said but also noticed that Tara’s stutter was worse than Willow remembered ever hearing it. ‘Why is she so scared?’ Willow thought before saying, “I do. Want to try, that is. I missed you, too. Goddess, how I missed you. Before you make any decisions though, there’s something you have to know. Something I’m not proud of but it's not something I want you to hear about from someone else.” Willow took a deep breath, almost afraid to continue but knowing she had to. “The majick? How I was addicted? When I lost you, I, uh, sort of, no, I really lost control. I lost myself in grief and vengeance. Tara . . .” Willow looked at Tara then looked away, afraid to say what she knew she had to say. “I let the majick take control. I tracked down the man that killed you and I tortured and killed him, Not even ‘sort of’, not ‘oh, look, there you are in that well and it’s raining, but I’m going to leave you there’ but…” she took a deep breath, “it was deliberate, it was cold and pretty well thought out and um, pretty gross.” She paused, waiting for the horror to pass from Tara’s face and tangled her fingers together, examining her nails before she continued. “I lost it. I lost me. I hurt all of my . . . our . . . friends and there’s no excuse. It wasn’t just the majicks, it was me that did it. If it hadn’t been for Giles and Xander,” she shook her head at the memory. “I was about to destroy the world.” She looked at Tara’s now carefully blank face and clarified, “Like . . . literally.”
Tara took a deep breath and asked in a very quiet voice, “So what happened?”
Willow ducked her head and shrugged and muttered, “I also got rid of a real creep of a warlock who was basically selling drugs, though no one really counted him, you know, with the whole ‘bad guy’ thing – except me….”
Tara’s eyes widened, “They don’t count him? Who?”
“The Watcher’s Council – I guess they counted the evil warlock on the same level as a demon or vampire.” She shrugged. “They didn’t come get me for that one but they were the ones who stepped in when I killed Warren. Xander calmed me down and stopped the whole world-destroying thing, but Giles and the Council took over from there. They whisked me off to England and Giles did a whole Dumbledore thing.”
Tara nodded, obviously still processing.
“They took me to the coven, in England. It was amazing. Terese, this little tiny lady who runs the coven, is so amazingly powerful . . . I guess witches from all over the world are sent to her to be sorted out. She just . . . makes them uncrazy or unaddicted or something and does a lot of teaching and training. She helped me so much. Her energy is so calming and warm and working on the farm is so healing. Well, that and the witches there could kill you if you step outta line. It makes for a heckuva rehab center.” Willow studied her fingers more. “I still go there a lot. It’s just a short walk away from Scooby Central.”
Willow looked up at Tara’s face, afraid of what she might see reflected there. Tara’s eyes looked worried but sympathetic and she had a small smile on her face.
“Thank you. I know how hard that must have been and I’m glad you told me. I went to talk to Giles because I thought he’d be able to explain - about how you were using majick and … why… the change in your aura. There’s power and grief and regret that were never there before. He told me,” she said, “in not a lot of detail,, because . . . you know, that you’d killed the man that had killed me, that the majick was now a part of you and that you had come a long way in understanding that.” Tara smiled softly. “‘With great power comes great responsibility.’ It’s a hard lesson to learn. So, that you told me? And you told me before we started getting to know each other again,” her eyes softened and her voice dropped to a whisper, “before you made me fall in love with you again? You know, I’m . . . I’m n-not good with you k-killing someone – not even the guy who killed you . . . um . . . m-me . . . killed us both, really. But that you told me, that m-means a lot.”
Willow nodded, unsure how she felt about Giles telling Tara about Warren. She was a little angry, a little hurt at what she thought of as a betrayal. On the other hand, having heard it from Giles may have made it easier on both of them in the long run. Tara had been prepared for what Willow had to tell her. “Tara,” she said softy, “I know how much I hurt you and I understand what I did with the forget spell. Only time will let you see that and begin to trust me. And, even if it had cost me any chance at all I might have had to win you back,” she shook her head, “I didn’t want that between us. There’s a lot we need to talk about and stuff to catch up on. But those two things, I wanted you to know up front. Those were too big to wait.”
Tara smiled softly. “Thank you, Willow. It makes my decision a little easier.” Tara looked directly at Willow. “I want to get to know you again, Willow. To see if there's anything left of us, enough of us to be us again. Even if there's not and we can only be friends, I'd rather have you in my life than not.” She smiled her special 'for Willow only' smile and Willow felt her spirit buoyed by hope.
Willow smiled her special 'for Tara only' smile back at Tara before saying, “That's how I feel, too.” She took Tara's hand in hers again, reveling in the contact as they sat in silence watching the stars.